There’s Someone Else Who Needs You – It’s You!!


Originally Posted on Candles Online

Crossing the realms of love and sacrifices that keep relationships alive and working, there is a highly guarded zone that we are not privy to – “Sometimes I am Unhappy”. Unhappiness crops from the fact that we are mentally not prepared to delegate or chuck down the pressures off our shoulders to prepare and keep them strong for responsibilities.

Over the years our brains have been fed with extremely wrong notions about how roles (as in relationships) should be carried out. And what rules the roost among such manipulated picklists is Sacrifice which more concisely mean “Stop caring for yourself”, “Never Complain”, “Speaking up, out & against strictly prohibited” and at the end of the day we frown and fall asleep with resentment.Over the years of observation and study, I have realized we often misuse the word “Sacrifice” in our lives. An instance: I sacrificed my last slice of pizza for the sake of my son and spent the whole night navigating through the Pizzahut brochure and drooling over the colorful images and not to mention that I mentioned my bravado act to my husband zillion times. Does my act count as Sacrifice? My understanding says No because sacrifice demands both detachment and satisfaction as a result. And in this case, both were missing. And this is how dissatisfied lives look like under the camouflage of sacrifice.

Am I suggesting selfishness? Please hold your horses We have this bad habit of polarising everything (if you have an interest in Indian politics you will understand this better ) There is always a midground for addressing the issues concerning our lives. If you are purchasing an unaffordable ticket to a Rockband concert that you love giving your child’s term fees a miss or ignoring your next month’s home loan EMI, that’s Selfish (you can add idiotic too). But instead of involving in such compulsive, impulsive, stupid acts you have arranged a karaoke night at your place with your friends and family or had a good cards game night. Now you are in a happy space even if you have given up on something you like and definitely sans rant “Maine kya kya nahi kiya iss Ghar ke liye par uff nahi kiya” (there’s nothing that I haven’t done for this house and never complained), ironically in a complaining tone. This is the realization that I am suggesting as this is the change I have discovered that I should go for – Stop Complaining, Start Living, and Loving. First things first we should stop tagging words like “sacrifice” at the drop of a hat; That word got a deeper connotation to it. These are the little adjustments we are making with many financial, situational, emotional constraints and forces in work. We in relationships mean us shouldering the responsibilities prioritizing others ahead of us, be it our kids, parents or partners, and so on. And in our exercise of keeping things afloat day in and day out we are somehow ignoring someone really important calling us from within, it’s our innate self only, demanding some moments of happiness and relaxation. And there’s nothing to feel guilty about it. If you can’t keep yourself happy you can’t do the same to your loved ones too. Let me give you a picture of the other side of my personality which I am unapologetic about – I am a very irritated person almost like a twilight beast as the Sunday evening approaches and if my kids don’t tuck into their beds by 8PM they see the worse in me. I simply hate Sunday evenings when they prolong, for I am waiting for my Monday week off following Sunday, in absence of which I might go insane and not to mention the heavy toll on my physical health. And my rude behavior that might come across as unruly, unexpected, and unacceptable on every account is simply an indication that I need my space to rejuvenate myself to carry off my responsibilities as a mother and a wife. If they need me, I need me too, isn’t it?

Suppress it, It will pent up: All of you must have attended history classes at some point of time in your life, isn’t it? What was the reason behind all the major revolutions in history marking major transitions for people, undoubtedly Suppression! Suppressed by the tyranny and injustice, an upsurge of strong emotions spearheaded the revolutions, quite bloody one in fact. Now let me tone down the scale of comparison and make it personal. What would happen if you suppress pain for a long time in your body, it will pent up and show itself as a disease, sometimes chronic and beyond repair. Our emotions aren’t different. The need to vent out our pent-up negative emotions/ frustrations (not directed towards people though) at regular intervals is of paramount importance and shouldn’t be a guilt-ridden exercise. There are days when we feel lethargic, we want to dress up, want to eat our favourite meal, catch up on our favourite series, grab that last piece of cake, and many more things where we usually put ourselves down the hierarchy of “whose needs or wants matter”. The point is simple – Everyone matters so do You!!

My call to you all – You have to be present there in good health – mentally, physically, and emotionally because cardboard cut-outs can’t give warmth to your loved ones. And yes they are not superhumans to know how you feel unless you express it. If sensitivity is alive well and good, if god forbid not then don’t be guilty of you are not a magic wand either!!!

I Sense A Presence XX


There was an awkward silence that enveloped the room. Emotions (rather anxiety) simmering in hearts. Before that silence could attain a monstrous shape Sally ran to Henry embracing him and pouring her heart, to be precise her fears to him.

“Someone is trying to kill me. Someone is after my life, watching me 24*7. Trust me, please!!!” Clinging to Henry as Sally spoke, words seem to be gushes of streams of her inner turmoils.

“Sshh honey, I am here, no one gonna hurt you. Calm down love, I won’t let anything happen to you. We will see through it” Henry spoke as he caressed Sally’s hair to pacify her. But warmth seemed to be missing in his words and momentary glance at Josh had some other equations wrapped up in itself.

“But I wasn’t expecting you” quipped Sally all of a sudden and that shifted his attention towards Sally again while Josh was still looking at Henry. And Sally continued her questions “and how you ended up coming from the backyard, and Tracy!! There was a vibe of suspicion in her tone.

“He wanted to surprise you ” Tracy (rolling her eyes) finally intervened who till now was a mute spectator of the entire chaotic scene.

Tracy’s presence has always evoked unpleasant feelings in Sally. Tracy’s intervention ruffled the same feathers in Sally who snapped back at her “a backdoor entry is more of a shock than a surprise. I deserve an explanation, don’t I?” Sally was fiery that no one knew of. From awkward silence to flaring tempers, that was a complete turn around.

Josh thought quitting the scene might result in some sort of serenity immediately. He did so, took leave and left. Henry on the other hand didn’t have this convenient option. He invested himself in handling Sally, trying to tackle her questions and dodge her stares. And Tracy has nothing better to do but to go to her room.

Sally wasn’t done yet. Her stare followed Tracy till she went out of the sight. “When will she leave our house?” asked Sally in a tone just a decibel higher than a whisper yet cold and seemingly menacing, signalling the dislike sedimented in her heart for her.

“Soon” replied Henry in a placid tone. And before Sally could further her investigation he took the initiative and tried to mellow down the tense situation with his care and caressing. “Honey let me make a cup of coffee for you. Something is bothering you and I see that but can’t see through it. Trust me” and he kissed on her forehead.

Around 9’o clock in the night:

Josh was still occupied with everything that passed throughout the day. He wanted a diversion but suddenly one more thing from the day’s minutes struck his senses – the letter !!

Crushing himself on the couch he opened the letter. It read:

Dear Diana,

Georgia finally found peace but how I wished it was amidst us. She was in pain, in deep pain which was beyond our comprehension. She wailed, she fought and she succumbed but unfortunately she was alone. We did everything in our capacity and understanding, from prayers to rituals, everything we were told we did in a bid to drive that demon away from our child. A mother’s heart knows how excruciatingly painful it is to see her child go hungry over days, restrained by shackles, bearing the burnt of religious fanaticism as a demon drive out exercise. She screamed in pain and I stood there just to offer my service as a hand holding a fragile, fear stricken girl with all it’s might telling her to “mind her ways”. I was only a fiddle to my god fearing husband and more than the god it was the world who he was fearing. We tried to keep things wrapped tight, so tight that we suffocated our own child. Demons still haunt us after Georgia left – demons of guilt, indecisiveness, agony and going to stay till we are buried in our own remorse. What we thought will be our safe and beautiful abode turned out to be our castle of nightmares. Georgia always complained about a presence. Why she has to go through it…….

Josh finished an unfinished letter. Now his head was heavy with an imaginary vision of what could have transpired in that house, what happened to Georgia, demons or something less cared and talked about. What is it?

As Josh has different concoctions cooking up in his mind the trance was broken by his buzzing phone.

Before he could pick it up it stopped but a message popped up “we need to talk right away” and the sender was Henry…..

I Sense A Presence IX


Josh didn’t ask anything further and Sally left.

Josh knew Sally for quite a sometime now. He has seen her sensitive side, he has seen how she could hesitate to empty her heart and needed persuasion to vocalise her emotions and thoughts. A tiff with one of her best friend over her boyfriend whom Sally thought wasn’t right for her , left Sally disarrayed for weeks. It took lot of insistence by her other friends that included Josh as well to pull her out of the shell she has drawn herself into. As their paths crossed each other after years that old image of Sally loomed large in front of Josh as the petite figure of Sally diminished.

“Hmm, she is unsettled again” he sighed and retreated to his office.

Sally drove back with her head and heart full of the convict she met at the police station. His demonic demeanor invaded her thoughts . Cold sweat trickled down her spine as she rushed through the empty roads surrounded by dense woods. She was driving at such a speed as if someone or something was chasing her on those desolate streets. As Sally was lost in her incoherent thoughts “THUD” something hit the speeding car so hard that for a moment it shook the car. The tyres made a screeching sound bringing the car to a halt and Sally got down to see what was it.

She could find nothing but a trail of blood running towards the woods. “Gosh Sally What have you done!” She exclaimed and held her forehead in disbelief. She wanted to check as she inched few steps further in the direction of the blood into the woods. But the very sight of blood, deserted road had made her put off her plans and run towards her haven – her home while she apologised for the unknown creature that she hurt in her thoughts.

As Sally reached home she got a call from Henry. “Darling have a dinner with client, will be late tonight” and he hung up.

Sally quickly retreated to her bedroom. She needed a strong distraction from the tornado of negative emotions and thoughts she was experiencing at that very moment. And her eyes showed her a way out, the diary was still lying there. She picked up and continued.

…. you chose to trade them with a charade. Charade of emotions being reciprocated.

“Interesting” Sally thought asshe turned pages and continued to read.. your attention short lived, affection faded and admiration died towards me. We are now strangers in the guise of a relationship.

Page turns ….. I saw you snuggling with that witch in those sheets that still has my imprint all over. Can anything else be more painful than to see your heart being torn apart by someone who dwells in there…..

Sally felt for the woman as she got a peek through through these ragged piece of papers. As she was sympathising with the stranger she was reading about she heard faint giggling sound of a woman. She went close to her window as she was sure that it was from outside.

She was metted with a sight of bewilderment. It was Tracy, in an inebriated state and that was not the case of concern for Sally. It was her closeness to Henry that made Sally’s heart pound faster. She is a beautiful woman after all!!

Henry helped Tracy reached her room as she giggled and blabbered throughout. As he turned back, was taken aback by Sally who stood behind him.

“Oh my God! You scared the hell out of me Sally!” exclaimed Henry, loosening his tie and making his way to the bedroom. “Is it? How? Have I caught you? By the way how was the dinner with client? Was Tracy a part of your job? I am all ears for all your answers” Sally was unprecedent in the way she behaved – taunting, sarcastic. She has seen Henry with many beautiful women before too, but never for once a speck of doubt even faintly crossed her mind. But today it was not the same. Something is playing with her mind. She has been given a different prism to look at the situations.

Henry did come up with his explanations as to how Tracy ended up in the scene but was received by a rather cold Sally.

It was around 10:30PM, Sally stood near her window staring at blissfully sleeping Henry. Her stares were blank, emotionless. After standing at the window for an unreasonably long time, an unsettled Sally looked pale, her emotionless reflection in the mirror was nothing less than spooky. As the stares crossed Henry and reached her side drawer the diary was there, enticing her to dig deeper…..

**Is the life of Anne Turner the new prism for Sally?**

I Sense A Presence VIII


As Sally drove to the police station she was quite restless. “Who it could be and why?” resonated all along in her mind. The flurry of emotions made her jump few red lights too, but was fortunate enough not to meet any untoward incident.

She was received by Josh Edward, police officer and Sally’s senior in the college. They used to represent their college in chess and were members of college’s debate society. They shared a good rapport. It was by chance that he was assigned this particular case. They were seeing each other after almost a decade and the reunion wasn’t cheerful at all considering the situation surrounding it.

“Hello Sally, how are you” Josh greeted her cordially extending his hand for a handshake. His gesture was met with a nervous smile that stayed just for a fraction of seconds. “I want to know” Sally said in a rather shaky voice, fixing her impatient gaze on Josh’s face.

“This way please” Josh guided Sally towards the interrogation cell. She saw a frail looking man there at the centre of the room that had just a table in the centre and two chairs on both sides of it. One was occupied by the man, who could be in his late 40s or early 50s, had salt and pepper hair & beard, lean build, hands were cuffed and was staring the ceiling & walls of the empty room. There wasn’t a slightest hint of nervousness or fear on his face that ought to be evident from a convict’s face. He was calm and static as a stone and cold as grave.

Sally observed him from behind a window and asked Josh “is he the one?” The fragile frame of the man had churned the wheels of confusion in Sally’s mind for her late father was a well built man.

“Investigation is running in full throttle. You mentioned in your statements of having seen a masked person running away. And he is a serial killer infamous for his signature Mask. The police has been on a lookout for him for 10 cases in and around the city, including your father’s…” Josh was still talking when Sally stormed into the interrogation room.

“Did you kill my father? Did you kill Mr.Pattinson? Answer me” Sally was mad with rage, as she banged her fist on the table. She thought her emotions can evoke a reaction from the convict. But she was wrong. He was still composed in a quirky manner.

Looking away from Sally, he said in a soft tone “I don’t remember names. I just love the sound of crackling bones, sight of gushing blood gives me an adrenaline rush, the wailing bodies are symphony to ears. I have only numbers – 1,2,3,4…”. He was chuckling as he counted. This enraged Sally even more. She opened her phone gallery and showed her father’s picture to him “I am sure this would ring your memory bells. Now tell me why you killed him” Sally boomed at him. He looked at the photo for a moment but before he could say anything Sally was taken out of the room by Josh citing the norms and regulations of the interrogation laws.

Sally was now impatient than ever, awaiting his answer, rather a confession.

As Josh entered the scene he asked the convict about Mr.Pattinson “you are the masked killer, isn’t it? Confess it”.

The convict took a deep breath and started laughing like a lunatic. The room was echoing with his cynical laughter. After few moments he stopped, catching his breath and said “someone used my signature to hide their identity. And when I say signature I mean my identity, would never hide it. This man was never my target. But yes other 1,2,3,4….” he whistled a rhythm. His unruffled calmness opposed to the raging tempers made his words sound menacing even in those secured doors. Josh left the room.

Came to Sally who was in the other room having a view of the interrogation cell. Before she could bombard him with her questions, he took his cigarette case and left for the smoking area. Sally followed him.

After few puffs, having calmed down his nerves he said “May be we are knocking a wrong door. If he could confess about killing his other victims, I see no reason him denying this. Something is missing. Someone might have used his trademark Mask modus operandi. I am sorry for unnecessarily troubling you Sally. Ufff” he sharply exhaled. Sally was calm now.

She just patted on his arm as if saying “its ok”. And she went silent. But her silence couldn’t camouflage her nervousness. “Is there anything you want to say Sally?” Enquired Josh.

“Nothing” Sally dismissed the question with a smile. “Since you are in the city now, how about dinner this weekend, my place? Sally thoughtfully diverted the intriguing glares of Josh. But Josh knew that something was bothering Sally.

“Hmm, thanks for the invite. I shall let you know soon. Would love to meet your better half” Josh obliged.

Before leaving though Sally made a strange request “Josh, I forgot to tell you, don’t tell Henry about this meeting”.

You Can Do Everything Except…


Picture credit : Google

Your smile melts me,

Your pain petrifies me,

Your anger worries me,

Your embrace soothes me,

Your call awakens me,

Your progress delights me,

Your purity enchants me,

Your helplessness weakens me,

Your faith in me strengthens me,

Your sweet (not street) smartness amuses me,

You can make me smile, reel in pain, frown, worry, struggle, brave, fight.

You have gifted a rainbow of emotions to my heart which wonders if ever it would ably accommodate this treasure in that petty corner.

Today I want you to hear this once and for all:

You can do everything except to embarrass me.

(A small heartfelt note by every autism parent to their kids )

If I Can Trade My Words….


Originally posted on Candles Online

“If I can trade my words I would invest them in your smile”

That’s pretty much cheesy, right out of a popcorn romantic flick, isn’t it? Don’t blame me, I am currently watching way too many Disney movies – Prince, Princess, Love story, perfect fairy tales. They not only entertain me but a perfect recipe to cheer me up. Apart from that my phone’s gallery is my hideout. Binge eating, unforeseen shopping (apart from groceries ) are more or less commoners in the world of “let me cheer you” force.

But it is undeniable that no matter how much ammunition one has to ward off shadows of gloom, a strong shoulder to lean on and an empathetic & soothing word is still an unmatched comfort. We can falter and crumble at some point, all while throwing around a charade of being strong. We do need someone to ask and say “How are you?”, “I understand”, “I am with you”, “what can I do to cheer you up”, “you are strong”, “you deserve much more”, “relax, I am there for you”, “just chill”, ” let’s hangout, don’t bother for anything else”

Why do one need someone or something to Cheer themselves up? When one gets tired of chasing dreams, battling adversaries, struggling demons ranging from bullies to inner enemies of that of depression / anxiety, our mind send us SOS. Nursing of a dented spirit is so much needed to bring it back on its feet. All the apparent and oblivious battles deplete us of our both physical and mental strength and that’s when exactly doubts trend – Can I fight it out? Can I do this after all? Seems I am unworthy? This is proving futile, let’s quit? I have lost everything? Was it meant to be this after all? If these questions left to knock too much one’s soul they can bring sabotage the same beyond repair. That’s the very reason we are talking about this issue at the first place today. Be attentive dearies!!

Me as a person on the other side of the fense, in the capacity of a friend (universal relationship with every related person in our lives) got a weird sense of intuition (I can be boastful sometimes, kindly excuse me). With people whom I am in regular touch with can easily read between the lines from our seemingly “Fine” conversation. From dry OKs, lifeless HMMs, tone of “I am fine” in chats I can tell not everything is fine. May be rapport over years is the reason. Whenever I sense something off, the first thing I do is to pester them with one question “what happened”. Sometimes no matter how close you might be some investigation is imperative. *Note: an immediate call in person rather a chat always scores. Lending an inquisitive ear is very important. I believe in strongly saying this “I know it’s easy to say that I understand and be strong because I am not there in your shoes. But also I know that you have fared much better in more worse situations in life before, you will surely see the shore surely. You are loved. You matter to us, just remember this. And for anything else I am here, Talk to Me”.

A page from my therapeutic experiences (if you can call talking one): a friend of mine who now shifted to Switzerland had her share of self esteem blues (parenting can really take a toll). We used to talk a great deal. My only aim was to cheer her up invoking her love and confidence in herself. I used to say “You are doing great”. These words seem very simple but might rekindle the positivity streak within one self. Might work at least 5 out of 10 times. Even if it is 1 out of 10 it’s worth giving it a try!! And what made be happy was she used to say “talking to you brings positivity to me, I feel relaxed”. Can anything beat that?

Words can make or break so I chose the first one.

“If you are giving chocolates don’t forget to mix sweetness of words – for someone sweet like you.

If you are hanging out don’t forget to imbibe these words in the itinerary – it’s always so much fun with you.

If you are gifting diamonds to lift up the spirits don’t forget to polish them with words – for someone more precious than these.

If you can only talk then don’t forget to send your warmth via vocals – thank you for being with me, so PROUD OF YOU!!!”

Words make a lot of difference – period.

An End To The Enigma Of Life


Picture credit: Google Images

Originally Posted On Candles Online:

I kept wandering in the pursuit of happiness that never had any definitey.

I was surrounded by the maddening chatter of desires that robbed me of my serenity.

I kept looking for flaws in others to prove my superiority.

I was an obnoxious, boisterous trumpet busy in singing laurels in self-praise, deprived of humility.

I invested myself to the extent of immersion in the worldly ties that costed me my sobriety.

I propelled higher in the skies of baseless egos and crude pride that I lost connection with the reality.

I was absorbed by the frivolous vanity of material charms that left me with insanity.

I let my greed take over my senses and I became nefarious and lost even my humanity leave aside divinity.

I was flowing with the directionless wind until I encountered – Failure, Old Age, Illness & Death – Teachers who teach everyone without disparity.

I soon yet quite lately realised that I was so far indulged in a mirage hunt that never existed even remotely.

I now stood as a silent spectator, witnessing the changing masks, perhaps the real faces – shedding down inhibitions and civility.

I was baffled at first, agitated, and finally struck by melancholy to see everything moving away from my proximity.

I crumbled down like a brittle wall and wailed hard that echoed within, digging up and unearthing the dormant soul resting under the debris of mistaken identity.

I was now bound to listen to the resonating call of my true companion that completely shook me first with remorse only to bring tranquillity.

I realised the riches I amassed throughout never comforted me, contrary to that delight dwelled in a charity that has never been my priority.

I always had a safe distance from compassion while arrogance choreographed my relations that weathered away in the face of a calamity.

I, now a solitary reaper of venomous fruits of bitter seeds of my deeds quizzed my companion to suggest a way if any that leads to liberty.

I overheard as my companion whispered to my heart “seek forgiveness and salvation from the ever compassionate Almighty”.

I was again left in the lurch ” how shall I go about seeking the ultimate one and escape from the world and its duplicity.

I was startled when a voice echoed from within “shall I call you ignorant or address as innocent? Still searching out, paying no heed to the one residing in you since eternity”.

I stood sans commotion, letting the silence speak eloquently to and within me, taking the charge of my senses for the first time in a while now and soaking in the tranquillity.

I felt the warmth of my tears drenching my barren heart as his words are aiding cultivation of compassion & righteousness that would yield the crop of wisdom, the profit of salvation, making soul opulent, and lofty.

I latched onto the light of truth, dispelled the fog of ignorance that enveloped my being, the cluster that insidiously gripped me is losing its ground, a life that seemed enigmatic is now deriving it’s meaning while rediscovering its beauty!!!

I AM AN AGGRESSIVE SWAN


We were busy with our preparations, the festive mood was so on. There was hustle and bustle all around. Some were doing mundane chores, some were specialists, some were chirping in pearls of laughter while some were making faces for no apparent reason. In short “A Family” was there in its raw elements.  But someone […]

I AM AN AGGRESSIVE SWAN