Countless memories and countless emotions

Source: Participating in Prompts and Challenges

Hi Everyone,

Every soul that takes birth on this earth be it any form of life has a journey which we call “life cycle”.  For souls in human body this journey of life is filled and marked with “Countless” memories and emotions.

Taking a ride down the memory lane, brushing aside the dust from the pictures life is standing as a flashback in front of my eyes and I am watching it without battling the eyelids.

A simple girl from a middle class family who loves to-day dream having high hopes and aspirations for future.  Academically good (at least everyone thought so 🙂 ) parents, teachers, friends and even myself had high expectations from me that I would do well in life.  Out of school, now in college.  A different and a bigger world.  Lessons were not just a part of classroom but every relationship that we develop here teaches a new and important lesson which helps you solve future questions.  Days were passing happily amidst friends.  Suddenly a crises stuck family.  I don’t want to go in-depth of that crises but that crunch situation made us strong.  Strong as a family, strong as a human being.  Our perceptions towards life has changed.  It taught us to be responsible.  It was during that period that I took up a job to do my bit as a family member and continued my studies alongside.  Even during that period of crises I never let pessimism bog me down.  Always kept head high and dreamt of doing better and better.  Finished my graduation and eventually did my post graduation and came out with flying colours.

That was the time when I amassed a huge treasure of countless memories.  Memories of true friendship, pure relationships and bitter truths about few opportunists and money minded misers that I came across in my life are so deeply etched in my heart.

Now after that struggle coming back to present where am I standing today?  Sincerely speaking I have no clue myself.  I have no chaos in life, no crises and everything seems perfect.  With a loving husband and two lovely kids I am leading a comfortable life.  But this is all what meets eye.  A deep introspection would reveal darkness surrounding my heart with no ray of hope.  I have a big conflict going on inside me.  I am standing at a point of no redemption where inch by inch the optimist in me is dying.  Serving my family gives me immense pleasure, no doubt in that but to be able to do something independently, to be financially independent is something I always wanted.  My first earning could possibly put an end to the unrest going on in my heart.  Countless job applications and equal number of rejections have given rise to the pessimist in me who is slowly eating away my confidence.  A question arises constantly from within ” Am I really worthless ?”.   No amount of positive talk is able to lift my momentum of positive thoughts.  Everything concerning me seems to be negative and wrong.  Engulfed with countless negative thoughts and emotions I am drawing myself in a shell.  At this point my partner suggested me to write.  I thought this could possibly help me release the pressure mounting on inside me.  At this very moment I would like to thank him for this piece of idea as this activity which was once my favorite activity as a student is definitely helping me search my real self.

Still waiting for that day when I can once again in complete love with myself and dare to dream.

Kalpana.